Patty Mayonnaise Best Abstain: Doug Johnson, Ignoble

The above image is taken straight from Mother Jones, a fine lefty publication, and it's from an article about one truly ignoble Johnson. A man sullying the surname by being a lobbyist against legal abortions.

First, it's contemptible he took the Johnson surname into the lobbyist profession. Lobbying, as I understand it, is essentially getting paid handsomely for being friends with influential people and being able to be a quality bullshitter. While bullshitting is an admirable trait for a Johnson to have, professional lobbying and all the seedy, disreputable, behind-closed-doors pressure, lying, cheating and handjobbing is not a worthy profession for a Johnson. It's ugly. If you want to affect change, do so without needing to check part of your belief structure in the coat room in order to get stuff done.

Second, and most importantly, being against legal abortion is a narrow minded and doesn't achieve what that group of people think they want. Being intentionally narrow in thought and club footed in pursuit of the progress you want is not Johnson. Therefore, Doug, you are ignoble. Give up your surname.

Okay, let's explain that second point some. People like Doug and the people he represents want to stop abortion for the obvious reasons. So, they're trying to make it illegal. On it's face, that does sound reasonable, right? They don't like it, make it illegal, therefore, it won't happen anymore. Just like with speeding. Drugs. Murder. You know, those things don't exist anymore because they're illegal.

I know this comparison isn't fully apt but essentially the idea that by somehow banning something will cease it from ever happening again is ludicrous. If that whole side of the abortion argument would just realize that banning it won't stop it, that maybe they would focus all that money, energy, sweat and pictures of dead babies in things that would maybe create an environment where people would not want abortions through a stronger, supportive and proactive social safety net. Shit, that can even be faith based for all I care, but the argument over abortion needs to move to preventing it from needing to exist instead of just outright banning it and thinking that someone that solves any problem.

So, that's why Doug is an ignoble Johnson. He doesn't see the whole field. He doesn't attack root causes or use all that influence and money to affect positive, enduring change. He's squandering it, another thing Johnsons should never, ever do. We don't squander (if we can help it). Instead, he's prolonging and mining that divisive split between political parties for maybe his own benefit, but surely not to achieve what you think he and his funders are actually after.

Trade in your surname, Doug. And your Beets t-shirt. And your friend with the blue complexion.

Johnsodarity!

A Noble Gus

The above man is Clark Johnson, a noble Johnson indeed.

Why?

Oh, come on. You don't recognize the above picture? You don't realize what show this is from? Are you honestly going to make me tell you? (sigh)

Once upon a time there was a television series called The Wire. Not to overstate this, it is the greatest television series of all time. Don't give me any crap about The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Dexter, I Love Lucy, The Price Is Right or anything. Television peaked with The Wire.

The Wire is a long form show, meaning to me that the weekly episodes did not neatly tie a bow on the events of the show. You gotta hang in there for all 15 to 10 weeks of the show to get to the bottom of it. A weekly murder was not solved due to a bucket of semen and BILLIONS of dollars spent on outrageous police supplies. Honestly, all that CSI/Bones shit? Do you have any idea what your precious tax rates would be if your police department actually had that whiz bang computer shit? I don't know, but more. A lot more, I'm sure.

The Wire traded in a realistic fictional world. A beautifully flawed collapsing realistic world that leaves nothing varnished. It has that great 1970s film appeal where the world just feels real, lived in and not so clean and perfect like all other TV programs.

And The Wire is mostly about how all aspects of our society are failing us, why they are failing us, and how they are all basically corrupt while failing us. Yeah, let's see All in the Family make that sad shit compelling.

And it is compelling. Every character feels real and born out of this sad crumbling never-ending world.

Anyway, this above man, Clark Johnson, plays a character in the final season named Gus. Gus is the an editor of the Baltimore Sun. And if there is any institution that is absolutely crucial to our existence as a society that is also monumentally failing at its duty it is newspapers, or the mainstream press. Gus is an affable decent man who wants to do the right thing (which in his case would be exposing a lying, cheating golden boy reporter) but is torn because he loves the paper and to expose what he loves, he has to bring it down (oh, Christ, the metaphoric possibilities abound!). However, ultimately, he fails to do what's right, while trying to do what's right the "right" way, or using the structure of the system in place to hopefully bring about the appropriate changes. He is then punished, his role in the paper diminished, but he's he is even a greater failure actually because not only did he fail, but he remained at this paper that will perpetuate the lie. He recognized the faults, the lying, the deceit - tried to fix it, failed - and then said fuck it, took his punishment and rolled up his idealism and went back to work quietly...all the while keeping Gus this absolutely likable, gregarious, brilliant dude, so you can easily miss exactly how much of a failure Gus really is. It's fucking brilliant; he's fucking brilliant.

I'm talking about a television show, not some novel. And I'm talking about on 10 episodes worth of a TV show, too. That's how good and deep The Wire remains.

Clark also directed four episodes of the show, including the very first show and also the final episode. Two very important parts of a show's lifetime.

All of that makes Clark a noble Johnson. He raises the esteem of all Johnsons by being an integral part of the success and complexity of The Wire.

You make me proud to share a surname with you.

Johnsodarity!

Grandmama, The Noble

What? You don't remember Grandmama? He was in Family Matters (though that link takes you to an NBA commercial that uses that Family Matters footage).

I know it's kind of a strange way to begin the listing of Noble Johnsons. Surely there is some great Johnson out there who has cured some kind of disease, performed some miracle of journalism, saved some lives. And there are. Those Johnsons exist, but for right now, let's focus a moment on why Larry Johnson is a noble Johnson.

First, there's the crossdressing alter-ego used to sell men's athletic shoes. Say that again out loud. Cross dressing alter-ego used to sell shoes. And he's a professional athlete no less. Now cross dressing for comedy or commerce isn't exactly a big deal. You got Flip Wilson, the Pythons, Dame Edna, Eddie Izzard, Devine. Joe Namath wore panty hose, so cross dressing even for athletes wasn't so bizarre by the time Larry strapped on the dress. However, for whatever reason, Larry captivated America for that little bit of time where he was on top.

And let us not forget that Larry also signed the richest contract in NBA history at the time, a 12 year, 84 million dollar deal.

Plus, he did so while wearing a teal uniform, which is quite a feat. What the hell was up with all the teal for teams in the 90s? Every decade has got to have its color mistake, I suppose. 80s had neon-colored stuff. 90s had teal. The 20-aughts had red...

Finally, he made up half of the probably the most dominant two-some in the original NBA Jam game. Seriously, there was no better than the Larry/Alonzo Mourning combo.

But, here's what makes Larry among the noble Johnsons. He was a great man, all over TV wearing women's clothing, selling sneakers, signing the richest contracts around, and now? Where is Larry Johnson?

Precisely.

Johnsons know when to shine, and when to leave the stage. When we are on top, we by God thrive. However, we are not attention whores. We are not desperate to stay relevant. We do not busy ourselves with ex-athlete drama like, say, shooting our chauffeur with a shotgun. We don't desperately try to hang around the sports spotlight by becoming an irritating announcer (I'm looking at you, Rick Sutcliffe.)

Johnsons say thank you. We appreciate our time. We will give you a good show to the best of our ability. But our time is our time until it is no longer our time and then we leave the stage.

So, Larry, unless I'm missing some glaring character flaw or some other embarrassing thing that undoes everything I've just said, Larry, you sir are a noble Johnson. Thank you for serving our surname well.

Johnsodarity!